ENLIGHTENED HUMOROUS STORIES
It is said that young children laugh as much as 100 to 200 times a day, compared to a large majority of adults who only get zero to several daily laughs. Yet laughter is good not only for the body but also for the soul and Spirit.
Catholic theologian G.K. Chesterton once stated: “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly” –while devils and demons, we surmise, fell from Grace into the hell-states due to the “heaviness” of their pride, greed, and anger. Enjoy these Enlightened Humorous Stories,
May you be happily ridiculous
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.” –George Burns
How do you make God laugh? Speak of your plans.
Once Satan and his demon sidekick were walking down the street, closely watching a man 20 yards ahead who was on the verge of realizing the Supreme Truth. The demon grew worried and began to nudge Satan, but Satan looked quite calm. Sure enough, the man did, in fact, soon realize the deepest spiritual Truth. Yet Satan still did nothing about it. With this, the demon nudged Satan harder and, getting no response, finally blurted out, “Satan! Don’t you see? That man has realized the Truth! And yet you are doing nothing to stop him!” With that, Satan cunningly smiled and announced, “Yes, he has realized the Truth. And now I am going to help him organize the Truth!” (–story heard years ago from Indian sage Jiddu Krishnamurti)
OVERHEARD… A toast given by a Hindu gentleman at a wedding: “A man not having a wife is incomplete. And once he has a wife, he’s finished!”
HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU?
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
–Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
One Buddhist monk leaned over to another and quietly asked, “Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?”
OLD MONK TO YOUNG MONK
On the terrace of a monastery high in the mountains, an old Buddhist Zen master stood next to a much younger monk while they both contemplated the great Void of misty space out yonder. The old monk at one point gently declared: “Ah, my son, one day all of this (Void) will be yours.”
GEORGE CARLIN, ON REVERSING LIFE’S SEQUENCE
I want to live my next life backward:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
GOD CREATES MAN AND WOMAN
God and Adam were walking through the Garden of Eden, discussing various things. At one point, Adam says, “Wow, God, you sure made Eve awfully beautiful, just amazingly beautiful!” Spoke the Lord: “Yes, my son, that is so you would love her very, very deeply.” After a brief moment, Adam hesitatingly commented, “But Lord, you made Eve not too smart.” “Ah, yes,” said God, “that is so she would love you very, very deeply.”
GOD TELLS ADAM TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLYA few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord, that was quite enjoyable.”And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is a ‘caress’?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?” So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in five seconds and asked, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
YOU THINK YOU ARE SOMETHING
“You may think you are something, but that something is nothing. You think you amount to something? —So do the dots on a dice! There’s nothing but God! La ilaha illa Llah–thus say the Muslim Sufi saints.” (–Hakim Sana’i, Sufi poet-saint, d.1131; see Religion & Spirituality section for a long webpage on Sana’i and other spiritual masters.)
A rabbi and a cantor are standing in the largely empty synagogue one day, talking mystically about how, given the awesome glory of God’s Infinite Divine Presence, they are each really “nothing.” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “I am nothing!” The cantor also affirms, looking up to the heavens, “O God, I am completely nothing!” And they go on like this for several rounds—”I am nothing… I am utterly nothing.”
Meanwhile, the synagogue’s janitor is off in the corner on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Filled with humble devotion, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point bend their ears to listen and, after a few moments, come to realize what the lowly janitor is saying. At this, the rabbi nudges the cantor and smugly says, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
Disciple: Oh wise and all knowing one, take me to the realm of perfect peace.
Master: If I take you to that realm, it will no longer be peaceful.
J. Krishnamurti told the story of once riding in a car, seated in the front seat adjacent to the driver. In the back seat were two gentlemen rapt in a discussion about consciousness. The car accidentally hit and killed a small animal that had darted across the road. The driver stopped the car and he and Krishnamurti got out to confirm the tragic death of the little creature. They returned to the car to proceed toward their destination. Meanwhile, the two men in the back seat were completely oblivious to what had happened, so lost in thought were they in talking about “consciousness”! (Gee, how conscious is that??)
At the entrance to a Hindu temple, there was a beggar always stretching out his hand, asking and pleading for alms. One day he stretched out both of his hands. A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand—why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “Hari Om! Praise God! Business was so good that I opened another branch!”
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. –Jerry Seinfeld
THE HOLY and UNHOLY PARROTS
A lady went to see her priest one day and told him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ Isn’t that awful?” the woman lamented.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your female parrots to praise and worship God, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that… that indecent phrase.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “what a wonderful solution!”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two male parrots, Francis and Job, were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying. Their pious little faces were upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord.
Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with these very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
Seen on a restroom wall: “God is dead.”–Nietzsche.
Below that was written: “Nietzsche is dead.”–God.
Dear Lord, please protect me from your followers!
When God made man, She was only joking.
Oops, my karma ran over your dogma.
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.
Don’t die a virgin– there are Islamic terrorists up there waiting for you!
Wag more, bark less.
You surely made up your own God when he hates the same people you do.
(Slogan for proselytizers:) Let us pray.
Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse!
Morality is doing the right thing, regardless of what you are told.
Fanatic religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right. (from H.L. Mencken)
NOT GETTING THE JOKE
Voltaire: “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”
Butch Hancock remembers: “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the 1984 Nobel Peace Prize winner from Cape Town, South Africa, tells the following: “There is a story, fairly well known, about when the missionaries came to Africa. They had the Bible and we, the natives, had the land. They said ‘Let us pray,’ and we dutifully shut our eyes. When we opened them, why, they now had the land and we had the Bible.”
An old favorite, written by James Kauffman, Ed.D., Professor Emeritus at the University of Virginia. He originally addressed it to conservative radio talk host Dr. Laura Schlesinger, who said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, she found that, according to Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is an abomination and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. This piece then went around the Internet, re-addressed to President George W. Bush. We use this latter version, with one additional item from myself (#10).]
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said: “in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman.” I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness–Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women for some reason take offense at this.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord–Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees” of abomination?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton-polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
10. Very shortly after my recent marriage, I learned from Deuteronomy 22:13-21 that “a marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed.” Now, as a recent widower, my question is… do I get to keep her dowry and the wedding presents?
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
MODERN ZEN HUMOR
Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe
Q: How much “ego” do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don’t step in front of a bus.
Q&A student once asked Zen teacher Steve Allen, “If you were given a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?” “To stop wishing,” replied Allen.