I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. –Rita Rudner
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. –Joey Adams
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? –Groucho Marx
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wilde
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. –Lynn Lavner
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. –Sharon Stone
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. –Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. –Robin Williams
If you’re pretty, your pretty. But the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “Congratulations about your face.” –John Mayer
[Two works of graffiti seen on a bathroom wall:]
Make love, not war.
Do both, get married.
I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men. –Dave Barry
HOW TO BE MISERABLE
See yourself as the center of the universe. Focus attention on yourself. Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. Use “I” and “me” as often as possible. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others. Listen greedily to what people say about you. Expect to be appreciated. Be suspicious. Be jealous and envious. Be sensitive to slights. Never forgive a criticism. Trust nobody but yourself. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them. Never forget a service you have rendered someone. Shirk your duties if you can. Do as little as possible for others. (Author unknown)
QUIPS FROM MARK TWAIN
(Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1901)
If you tell the truth you won’t have to remember anything.
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.